Etiquette lessons needed for
rude, moronic drivers
H.G. Miller
Kansan staff columnist
 I
take it as a relatively simple understanding that most of the students
attending this fine university do not actually live in Lawrence. Sure,
most of you have gotten an apartment somewhere, or perhaps you´ve
cozied up in one of the dorms for the semester, but you only reside
here. This isn´t the place you call home.
No, Mom and Dad, or Uncle Bob, maybe your favorite teddy bear or the
only dog you´ve ever really loved — they all exist in a world
apart from Lawrence.
Sometimes, this separation warrants a deep need to visit the people
we love and re-establish cherished, kindred relationships. Or maybe
there´s just a huge party going on, and you want to impress all
of your old high school chums with the hot freshman that you´ve
connived into dating you.
Whatever the reason, you most likely will have to travel on highways
to make this trek back to the homeland. Since I also make this routine
trip, I would like to take a few moments and provide a quick refresher
course on the finer points of highway etiquette.
- Slower traffic to the right.
OK, this is not up for debate. I don´t know what it is that compels
people to drive 55 in the left lane, while a line of angry drivers tails
them within inches of the most massive pile up in recent decades, but
stop it! Should you take a moment to glance in the rearview mirror and
happen to see that somebody is approaching you rather rapidly, simply
move over to the right lane, and a barrage of verbal attacks against
you, your mother, and anybody who may have ever met you can be easily
avoided.
I think it is the accepted philosophy of business travelers and highway
patrolmen everywhere that the speed limit is to be exceeded by at least
five miles an hour. Trust me, we´ll all be a lot happier if you
just conform to this one little thing. I know it´s fun to push
those pansy tendencies by “going at a safe speed,” but do
it on some dirt road that I´m not driving on, OK?
Remember, it´s only called speeding if they catch you. Otherwise,
you´re just making good time.
I don´t mind being passed. I really don´t. Years of failed
relationships have erased any sense of manhood I once possessed. All
I ask is that you maintain your driving speed after passing me. I do
not enjoy playing leapfrog at 80 miles an hour when I could be doing
something useful such as reading my map.
Occasionally, while traveling, you may find yourself driving through
a busy section of a large city. For some reason, a sudden plethora of
lanes all going in the same direction confuses many drivers and compels
them to swerve and sway from lane to lane without employing the proper
ritualistic practices.
I´m talking about turn signals here, people!
Although my particular religious beliefs do not need to be voiced
here, I would like to state that I am a strong believer in the turn
signal and its benefits for all of mankind. I am not clairvoyant, and
when people decide to move to a lane that they think will get them to
their destination that much faster, I would like some kind of fair warning,
so as not to become acquainted with them in the first name, last name,
insurance policy number kind of way.
I´m sure that it has happened somewhere, but the chances of actually
meeting the man or woman of your dreams while cruising along at breakneck
speeds is rather unlikely and, in my opinion, should be left up to fate
anyway. Thus, any cosmetic adjustments such as make-up or hair that
you feel need to be attended to can wait.
Because of the advance of capitalism in this country, I would estimate
that there is at least one gas station with trash receptacles for every
10 miles of highway, so that paper cup from Hardees can remain inside
the car until you reach the next one.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Miller is a Hutchinson senior in English.
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